The Lion and ….

The Lion and Li’nel 

All-purpose bowls entertainment monologue 

(with acknowledgements to Marriot Edgar and Stanley Holloway) 

 

Instructions: replace all names highlighted in red with the names of members from your own club as appropriate 

NB: if possible, replace Grant (verse 7) with a club member with an Australian accent!) 

 

 

There’s a famous sea-side place called Potters 

That’s noted for free booze and sun 

And young Li’nel from [insert your club name here] Bowls club 

Took his team there on tour to ‘ave fun 

 

A brave soul were Lionel Smithson 

Quite the bowler of renown and fame 

With ‘is silvery set of extremely wide woods 

‘e’d  chalked many a win to his name.  

 

T’were a grand band of bowlers at [insert your club name here] 

All dressed in its best, so I’m told 

With its whites and its greys and its bowls bags 

The finest Bush Hill ever sold. 

 

There was Mickey and Mick and Young Michael 

And David and David and Dave  

Also Coach Ron and Terence and Jerry 

John Garry Jeff Philip…..and Dave.  

 

They found their right seats on the tour bus 

From the list Sue had ‘ung on the door 

stowed their lunch in the overhead lockers 

And their bowls ‘tween their legs on the floor. 

 

Their coach took a route that were scenic 

Through Saffron and Walden and Stump 

And the puncture at Thetford got sorted 

By Stav with ‘is bicycle pump. 

 

There was Vikki and Louiza and Mary at t‘rear 

Singing rugby songs. tuneful but raucous  

And as Grant said “it’s grand that we’ve so many Sheilas 

All joining in with the chorus.” 

 

On ‘t sea front at ‘Opton ‘twas noted 

That the waves they was fiddling and small 

There were no wrecks and nobody drownded 

In fact nothing to laugh at all. 

 

Said Bob Seddon “we need some amusement” 

So they paid and went into the zoo 

Where there’s Lions and Tigers and camels 

And real ale and sandwiches too. 

 

There was one great big lion called Woolley 

His nose were all covered in scars 

He lay in a somnolent posture 

With the side of ‘is face on the bars. 

 

Now Lionel had heard about lions 

How they was ferocious and mad 

And to see Woolley snoozing so peaceful 

It didn’t seem right to our lad 

 

So straightway the brave [Your club name] captain 

Without showing a morsel of fear 

Grabbed ‘old of ‘is white speckled Lignoid 

And dead drawed it to Woolley’s left ear. 

 

You could see that the lion didn’t like it 

For giving a kind of a roll 

‘E pulled Li’nel into ‘t cage with him 

And swallowed our club captain whole. 

 

Then Ron who had seen what had happened 

And didn’t know what to do next 

Said ‘Marsha, yon lion’s ate Li’nel’ 

And Marsha Said ‘Eee, I am vexed.’ 

 

Then Al and Sue Wilson quite rightly 

Being organisers of the trip 

Complained to the animal keeper 

That the lion had eaten their skip. 

 

The keeper was quite nice about it 

He said “what a nasty mishap, 

Are you sure that it’s your skip he’s eaten?” 

Marsha said Am I sure? Here’s ‘is cap! 

 

The manager had to be sent for 

He came and he said “What’s to do?” 

Marsha said “Yon Lion’s ate Li’nel, 

And him in his [Your club name here] shirt too!” 

 

Then Wilson said “Right’s right young feller, 

I think it’s a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Li’nel
And after we paid to come in”
 

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
Sayin’ “How much to settle the matter?”
Sue said “What do you usually pay?” 

But Marsha had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Li’nel had gone
She said “No, someone’s got to be summonsed!”
So that was decided upon. 

Then off they went to the police station
In front of the Magistrate chap
They told him what happened to Li’nel
And proved it by showing his cap. 

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped [Your club name here] Club
Would have further skips to their name. 

At that Coach Ron got proper blazin’ 

“And thank you, sir, kindly”, said he;
“What, waste all our lives coaching bowlers
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!” 

 

END 

This post was first published on 29 December 2023. Last updated 1 October 2026.